Today, folks, you join me in an emotional, revealing interview with Key Anus.. Sorry. Keanu Reeves.
"You're on CNN! The show that leads into me is puppets making prank phone calls! What is wrong with you?"
"I enjoy demon rides."
"You're not freaking out on us? Are you freaking out on us? Because if you're freaking out and you're going into the crazy base world — are you going into crazy base world?"
"I love it when you call me Big Poppa."
"You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show."
"No I'm not going to be your monkey."
"Uhh, anyway. Moving on from this interview.. I'm surprised Cinderella Man didn't win Best Make-up. Imagine the difficulty of making Russell Crowe look like he'd been in a fight. Oh and sorry but Björk couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. And that's all we have time for! His responses took a total of seven minutes per question."
Just a little bit of a giggle for you;
Reeves enjoys riding motorcycles and coined the term "demon ride" to describe how he often rides with no headlights at night. On one of his "demon rides" in 1988, he crashed near Topanga Canyon and broke several ribs and ruptured his spleen; he has had an abdominal scar ever since – when the paramedics arrived – an emergency medical technician trainee dropped one end of the stretcher by mistake.